George Carlin

"They tell you to locate your nearest emergency exit. I do this immediately! I locate my nearest emergency exit, and then I plan my route. You have to plan your route. It’s not always a straight line, is it? Sometimes there’s a really big fat fuck sitting right in front of you. Well, you know you’ll never get over him. I look around for women and children, midgets and dwarves, cripples, war widows, paralyzed veterans, people with broken legs, anybody who looks like they can’t move too well; the emotionally disturbed come in VERY handy at a time like this. You might have to go out of your way to find these people, but you’ll get out of the plane a lot God damn quicker, believe me. I say, “Let’s see… I’ll go around the fat fuck… step on the widow’s head… push those children out of the way… knock down the paralyzed midget, and get out of the plane where I can help others."

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by jerks and fucking assholes."